Treatise on tradition

Fuck tradition

Seriously

Tradition is such a copout reason to do anything

And like half the time people play the tradition card

It's something that they like doing ANYWAY

Or something that reminds them of the people that they share the tradition with

Hey dickmaster

Guess what

Triggering nostalgic memories of your life and/or actually enjoying an activity

Are significantly BETTER reasons to do something than WELL ITS TRADITION

Just because grandpa fucklestein and your dad used the same god damn stickball rules as great grandpa martin van buren fucklestein

And his father before him

Doesn't mean that you have to play stickball by smacking your opponent in the balls

With a stick

Seriously

That was not cool, fucklestein

I don't care if you're nuts about going nuts on my nuts or not man

But like

Don't try to justify your stupid routines by saying theyre tradition

Just man the fuck up

And own your weird ingrained enjoyment of otherwise unjustifiable bullshit

Like a fucking adult

So I watched Another

Spoilers

It sucked

But of course I can't just say it was shit and move on to bigger and better things

No

That wouldn't be anywhere NEAR up to the standards of though provoking well reasoned analysis you have no doubt come to expect from this blog

So allow me

Dear reader

To set the scene

Imagine

For a moment

That you are in a spooky deserted hospital

It's midnight

Or some shit

Whatever

Point is it's fucking dark on whatever the hell basement level floor you are for some reason frequenting

Why are you there

You might ask

Because

Dear reader

You are

An idiot

This idiot specifically

Anyway

You've just entered an empty elevator

The doors close

The lights flicker

And then

You turn around

And there

Standing behind you

Is

I'm back bitches

See title

Include only fucks

Unsent email theater

Basically

I just need some fucking information man

Otherwise I gotta fill in the blanks all by myself

And you know how mad libs go

Shit never ends up following the story they had in mind when they wrote it

Like

You never want to actually explain anything to anybody because explaining shit is too much of a hassle for you

Well not assuming shit based my own frame of reference is too much of a hassle for me

People make assumptions because the world is fucking filled with unknowns and leaps of logic and shit that requires immediate response

We have a highly evolved survival mechanism in our brains that is literally based around being able to jump to conclusions

Saying people need to stop assuming is like saying people need to stop being afraid of things they feel threatened by

You don't want people to make assumptions

You gotta fill in

The fucking blanks

So I rented Face/Off

From an acting perspective the movie is kind of interesting

Since Travolta and Cage switch roles halfway through the film

So you get to see Cage trying to play Travolta while Travolta apes Cage's delivery

I wonder how much work they did together during shooting to come up with a cohesive set of characters so that when they swapped roles it would at least be believable in the context of the film

Actually I don't really wonder that at all

Because when the movie started and I saw Nick Cage with a mustache I instantly reached nirvana


I found the only question I am now capable of asking

Is why doesn't Cage have this mustache in EVERY scene

In EVERY movie

EVER

Although to be fair it didn't end up detracting from his performance


In fact after it's only after he loses the mustache that Cage graces the audience with what is unequivocally

The most fantastic hostage execution ever

The Bottom of this Beyblade is its most valuable part

Holy SHIT

They're tops

TOPS

This is like someone writing a POG strategy guide

Complete with advice on POG technique

It's like that time I was at the drugstore and had my mind BLOWN by the existence of SPINZ

And that was before I saw the article on the subject

But guys

GUYS

"That is all I need for about 35.00 Dollars maybe because im getting some from japan I dont want to spend all my money there."

The best part of course is the first response

"if u want all of them for $35 ur goin to have a hard time. Uriel and Gabriel alone cost that much"

We live in a world

Where the exchange rate

Of the US dollar

To the Bayblade

Is SEVENTEEN-POINT-FIVE TO ONE



BEYBLADES

The William

I'd also like to bring it to the attention of those concerned

That I am not someone in the habit of backing down from a challenge

So I have decided

On reflection

Not to stop with just a single reply

Notching the dial

Of this internet exchange up a twist

Will be much more satisfying

Basically I am increasing my update speed to a degree unheard of on this blog in the hopes that the sheer volume of awesomeness drowns my opponent in a deluge of biblical postportions

I suppose you may be wondering how I plan to increase my blogging output by such a ridiculous degree while maintaining the high standard of content with which this blog has become synonymous

To this I reply

Content

Have you been reading this blog at all

Everybody best check themselves because oh snap

Shit just got REAL

第81回仮装大賞準優勝作品【スーパーマリオ】

You may recall my in depth analysis of the relative merits of the scientific study of libraries and the man behind the second greatest live action rendition of Mario in history from a few days ago

It has been brought to my attention that this masterful piece of scholarship has garnered a response

And

I'm going to level with you

I remain

Unconvinced

Now I have to admit that calling me out on being secretly infatuated with Library Science but lacking the nerve to ask her to the 8th grade dance is a pretty valid point

And honestly

It wouldn't be so bad

If I could just ask her in person

But I am a pretty loud guy

And Library Science gets spooked by anything above a low whisper

Which limits my options of communication severely

Because have you ever tried contacting Library Science

With anything of an order remotely more advanced than a 19th century telegraph

It is borderline fucking impossible

She doesn't understand how cell phones work

Or the internet

It's like she is trapped in the past

Which to be fair is part of why I am all up ons

Being perpetually stuck in the 20th century myself

It kind of makes me wish she'd take a page

From the book of Captain Lou



Because paying a buck fifty for the first minute

And thirty-five cents for every additional minute

For a chance to be RANDOMLY selected

To have a LIVE conversation with Library Science

Would probably save me like several thousand dollars

In the money equivalent of the time I've spent

Trying to ask this flighty field of study out

How wrong I was

I thought the ocean had done its worse

I mean how the hell do you top eight foot long arthropoid spider alien abominations that EVEN NOW skitter through the darkness at the bottom of the sea

Thirsting for our flesh

But

You guys

Seriously

FUCK



THE OCEAN

You don't really get a sense of scale from that picture so let me straight up bust out some fine-ass block quotes and get some mad perspective all up ins

"Four thousand feet beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, water temperatures hover around a chilly 37° Fahrenheit, and the tiny sparks of bioluminescent life forms provide the only light. In this dark, cold world, scientists have discovered a strange new predator - a gelatinous, blood-red jellyfish that can reach up to three meters in diameter. Named Tiburonia granrojo (Spanish for big red), this massive jelly is particularly unusual because it lacks tentacles, which most jellies use to catch their food. Instead, Big Red has between four and seven thick, wrinkled arms."

You guys

That thing is OVER NINE FEET ACROSS

It is literally a giant mouth

Surrounded by ever-grasping arms

This is an entire SPECIES of creature

That is ALIVE

RIGHT NOW

ON THE SAME PLANET

AS US

Captain Lou Albano > Library Science

Yeah

I went there









Welp

If you complain about fonts you're a douchebag

My first mistake of course being browsing the site to begin with

So I'm browsing tvtropes.org because apparently I hate myself

And through some inscrutable and eldritch series of random links I stumble upon this page

Being the naive optimist I am I make the mistake of attempting to read said page

And this

Dear readers

Was my second mistake

->Examples

-->Anime&Manga

--->Third bullet down

"Happens all the time to Polly from Samurai Pizza Cats. They usually disguard her Tsundere personallity and portray her as a Purity Sue."

The question of why the person who added this to the wiki has apparently read so many Samurai Pizza Cats fanfics that PATTERNS have started to emerge was the first thing that popped into my head

However a much greater problem is raised by the tacit implication that there are ENOUGH of these dubious literary works to make such a generalization to BEGIN with

A question further posed by the fact that this person would not be complaining about this shortcoming in Samurai Pizza Cat fan fiction

Unless they believed deep down that it were possible for something that falls into the distinguished category of Samurai Pizza Cats Fanfic TO BE OBJECTIVELY GOOD

The question of whether or not there is

Somewhere out there

A place

Where Samurai Pizza Cats fan fiction is not only accepted

But UNIRONICALLY ANTICIPATED

nnrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhh

Not enough words

Okay

I don't know what this is

Or where it came from

But

BLAM



From the guitar overlay to the x-treme announcer's ridiculous narrative puns to the fucking BLAM CAM

Sombody call the BLAMBULANCE



It's just

It's just fucking beautiful

Watch out for that BLAMERANG



So take note people

Because this

This



Is ART

Because when I hear Kiss from a Rose, the first thing I think of is BATMAN FOREVER

And now

SO WILL YOU



Note: This is the OFFICIAL music video

Sometime in 1995, Joel Schumacher and Seal took a look at this final cut and said to themselves

YES

THIS IS IT

THIS WILL BE

OUR MAGNUM OPUS

Dude straight up PUNTS a vibrator

Okay

So Skeletor is chasing He-Man in his badass rocket hoverjet while He-Man is fleeing like a punkass bitch in what might possibly be the most impractical land vehicle in this history of conveyance

So of course Skeletor rolls that chump like it's nothing

Lands all cool like and swaggers over to He-Man's now shattered ride all excited and shit

Dude's practically jumping out of his bone overalls at having finally caught He-Man in a raw situation

Armed with what looks like some kind of outrageous metallic sex toy

All brandishing it at He-Man like HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET ROCK HARD MY MUSCLEBOUND MANFOE

And then

All of a sudden

The greatest sequence in the history of Eternia takes place (skip to 2:17)

Somtimes

Sometimes you just gotta post some motherfucking Skeletor

The Most Important Post You May Ever Read Really

I got your description right here Blogger

Chronotrigger and Earthbound: Basically the same person

PROOF

POSITIVE