So I watched Another

Spoilers

It sucked

But of course I can't just say it was shit and move on to bigger and better things

No

That wouldn't be anywhere NEAR up to the standards of though provoking well reasoned analysis you have no doubt come to expect from this blog

So allow me

Dear reader

To set the scene

Imagine

For a moment

That you are in a spooky deserted hospital

It's midnight

Or some shit

Whatever

Point is it's fucking dark on whatever the hell basement level floor you are for some reason frequenting

Why are you there

You might ask

Because

Dear reader

You are

An idiot

This idiot specifically

Anyway

You've just entered an empty elevator

The doors close

The lights flicker

And then

You turn around

And there

Standing behind you

Is

How wrong I was

I thought the ocean had done its worse

I mean how the hell do you top eight foot long arthropoid spider alien abominations that EVEN NOW skitter through the darkness at the bottom of the sea

Thirsting for our flesh

But

You guys

Seriously

FUCK



THE OCEAN

You don't really get a sense of scale from that picture so let me straight up bust out some fine-ass block quotes and get some mad perspective all up ins

"Four thousand feet beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, water temperatures hover around a chilly 37° Fahrenheit, and the tiny sparks of bioluminescent life forms provide the only light. In this dark, cold world, scientists have discovered a strange new predator - a gelatinous, blood-red jellyfish that can reach up to three meters in diameter. Named Tiburonia granrojo (Spanish for big red), this massive jelly is particularly unusual because it lacks tentacles, which most jellies use to catch their food. Instead, Big Red has between four and seven thick, wrinkled arms."

You guys

That thing is OVER NINE FEET ACROSS

It is literally a giant mouth

Surrounded by ever-grasping arms

This is an entire SPECIES of creature

That is ALIVE

RIGHT NOW

ON THE SAME PLANET

AS US

My first mistake of course being browsing the site to begin with

So I'm browsing tvtropes.org because apparently I hate myself

And through some inscrutable and eldritch series of random links I stumble upon this page

Being the naive optimist I am I make the mistake of attempting to read said page

And this

Dear readers

Was my second mistake

->Examples

-->Anime&Manga

--->Third bullet down

"Happens all the time to Polly from Samurai Pizza Cats. They usually disguard her Tsundere personallity and portray her as a Purity Sue."

The question of why the person who added this to the wiki has apparently read so many Samurai Pizza Cats fanfics that PATTERNS have started to emerge was the first thing that popped into my head

However a much greater problem is raised by the tacit implication that there are ENOUGH of these dubious literary works to make such a generalization to BEGIN with

A question further posed by the fact that this person would not be complaining about this shortcoming in Samurai Pizza Cat fan fiction

Unless they believed deep down that it were possible for something that falls into the distinguished category of Samurai Pizza Cats Fanfic TO BE OBJECTIVELY GOOD

The question of whether or not there is

Somewhere out there

A place

Where Samurai Pizza Cats fan fiction is not only accepted

But UNIRONICALLY ANTICIPATED

nnrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhh